Written quote March 29 '09: "and mutual friends I'll probably lose because of you"

Regardless of current events, I have been asked to write my feelings towards this life in a journal. So I guess I'll start.

Until Father's Day, I thought I was alright. Strong even. Now? My emotions are all confused. I feel like the man I knew was a lie, or that now he is lost. Pastor called me today, said you "have a long way to go" and (we)"need to work together on this" and that it's going to take time. What is there in that "we" that I don't know, why was that said, does it really mean anything? Or was it just a bad way to say it?

There are so many questions that make what had been our relationship clearly defined- that are now foggy.

It's funny how our "break" never actually had a resolution. Actually, you just got another girlfriend instead. I guess I knew that "we" were over, but that the "break" you insisted upon, was a nice way to permanently end us.

Sometimes, well all the time- I am deeply regretful of how I handled that day. I should never have suggested the break, in all acutality all I wanted was for you to come after me. Show true love and follow the one you love, it was just a test. A stupid test. But, hurtfully and regretfully it showed that you were in fact not going to follow me. I just wanted the one that I had put all of my heart into to follow me, to prove I was worth it. Well, I guess that I cannot live on regrets forever.

After that comment from Pastor my emotions have been all tangled. I want the air clear. I cannot lie, these thoughts are I fear an unrealistic hope that you want me back. That you would forgive me for my anger, and the testing of our relationship. Or is there air to clear because I do not know what really bothered you? Are you deeply mad at me for something to which I have no knowledge of? Did I offend you because of our last skirmish over Tolo? Are you holding a grudge towards me for things you purchased for me or that I convinced you to get a new car, or that I wanted to start a life away from home a few hours away? Even worse, do you just want nothing to do with me?

If these questions could be answered I know that I would feel relief. I'd rather just know if you hated me, just can't deal with conflict, or want me back. I never have liked musical chairs, I don't like switching seats- I want my old one back. But I realize that now, it probably isn't possible.

There are many things I wish I could change. I know that I can't do that, but please at least allow me to seal up this gaping my hole in my heart. Because I am tired of hurting. Let me know how it is, please.

I haven't nearly slept enough this past week. Pastor knows this, and eventually I won't be able to take the physical toll anymore. I'm hoping my emotional bottle is almost full because I am about to crash.

Many things have made me grow from this, no matter the toll that has derived from this situation. I learned to step out on my own. I can drive myself in many stressful situations, stand up for myself and my beliefs with anyone. I got that ever wanted tattoo, and am talking to the doctor about something called a Beta Blocker- for my stress and I can finally talk about my feelings openly with someone who can help.

Even now my mind would like to think that these changes would've occured while being with you. But honestly, I don't think they would of. Maybe you were brought and taken away for me to learn this lesson from life. But I hope, that if our love was true that we'll be together again one day.

Well, I think this sums it all up. :-*(

"Defending the Truth" (The Athletes Bible).

"You therefore, my child, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. And what you have heard from Me in the presence of many witnesses, commit to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. Share in the suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. To please the recruiter, no one serving as a soldier gets entangled in the concerns of everyday life. Also, if anyone competes as an athlete, he is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. It is the hardworking farmer who ought to be the first to get a share of the crops. Consider what I say for the Lord will give you understanding in everything. Keep in mind Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, descended from David, according to My gospel. For this I suffer, to the point of being bound like a criminal; but God's message is not bound. This is why I endure all things for the elect: so that they may obtain salvation, which is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory. This saying is trust worthy:


For if we have died with Him, we will also live with Him; if we endure, we will also reign with Him; if we deny Him, He will also deny us; If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself".

Second Timothy 2:1-13

The person speaking here is Paul to his friend Timothy. From this passage I believe it is important to ask yourself three valid questions, that apply to us still today (for those of you who believe the bible is outdated).

1. Are there times you feel led by God to confront others about their morals, current situation, or lack of believe in God or obedience to Him? Do you obey God, or it is too hard to do the right thing?

and

2. How do you defend Christ?

Love is Patient, Love is Kind

Things have been okay, better but not perfect.
Still lonely on Friday nights.

I can't wait to get out of here.
On the bright side, I passed my Senior Project.

One step closer to leaving, and not looking back.

I've lost so much yet gained my life.

Wow, God is truly amazing.
I never thought I would be one of those people who would take control of their life and leave God out of the mix. But you know what? I did.

I had been planning my life without His input.
My plans included : my current boyfriend at the time, and to move to Everette.
Well, tonight those plans did a 180 on me, and I'm left somewhat numb.

God has shown me recently that I need to go into law.
Crazy as it sounds, He practically shoved it in my face through a few people.
But never...EVER did I think that choosing to pursue that would take the ONE THING I thought I had left from the life that I WANTED.

First, I lose my amazing guy.
Now, I lose my amazing school.


All to find my purpose in life, and man was this the strangest journey I've ever felt.
This scares me so badly.
I've just lost the two greatest things in my life.

I know the direction I'm supposed to head, but now everything is disbanded and there is no support for me to get anywhere. It's all wrong.

Tomorrow I have a phone call with the Dean at Trinity, if that doesn't work for me then I will not be moving this fall. Then what? I don't know.

God Loves Me

So, I've been in and out of the hospital twice now.
I go back to school tomorrow, something I haven't been to in over a week now.
Honestly I really can't wait to get 100% better. I'm tired of coughing and being easily exhausted. I'm sure this can be attributed to the internal tear.
Not that the most important person in my life even cared to see if I was okay after two and a half years.

I decided to clean my room last night.
Which I'd like to say was a bad idea, but in actuality it brought on something amazing that I've only told one person about.

As I was cleaning I kept running into things from my and Kevin's relationship.
Stupid little things like our photo booth pictures from Valentines Day, notes we had written in geography, and tons and tons of dance pictures.

It got me a little down. I recalled how he promised me the world, that he would never leave me, never break us off as he has, always be there, and would always love me. I came to the sad realization that those are all now empty promises.

My mood kept depleting, but instead of sticking to myself in the dreary mess of a room I created, I decided that I would confide to someone these thoughts of abandonment and hurt. I was no longer going to silently grieve, and be full of regret over a situation I cannot control.

After the conversation I ran into my bible. So I began to read in a book I have never paid attention to. It's Habbakuk, my new favorite book.
What reaklly stood out to me was Hab 2:2-3 which states something like "and the Lord replied to me" write the vision, clearly on tablets "that he may run who reads it".
I don't know how or why, but this just applied itself to my heart. So I wrote it on my arm in permanent marker. I continued to clean, feeling somewhat better and stumbled upon "The Purpose Driven Life", and decided to actually read it for what it's worth this time. The first day in the book is clearly a message of hope to me. Again my mood improved. Then I picked up my Jesus Freak Promises book and read some on Rejection and Love, and I just felt God with me last night. This has all affected me in just one night. My heart is happier, because I encountered God again last night. Something I think I may have been missing.

While I am completely excited over what went on, I still feel heart broken. I know all wounds take time to heal. I can't help but hope that he and I will get back together, and will be able to tell other's going through break ups this story someday.

Even if that never happens, I'm still thankful for the time I had I guess.

Eh.

You started so many things you didn't finish.
"End of story".

I love Swing Dancing

Never have I had so much fun swing dancing.
I learned four new swing dance moves, and two new waltz moves.
Last night was absolutely wonderful, I danced with so many people.

I talked to a lot of people, and had myself a jolly old time.
There is still so much adrenaline in me from dancing.
I can't express how much fun I had.
Fabio and I went insanely crazy on Sing Sing Sing...My FAVORITE song.
Drew and I learned the new moves together, and we did my favorite move.
The Russian Leg Kick, in which he got my SO high off the ground, that I
was actually able to go into the full splits into the air.
He and I also did the Side Leg Kick a few times, but at one point he
missed my waist, and I landed on the floor. I haven't been dropped in
FOREVER, but this time all I could do was LAUGH. I had grabbed onto his
collar...It could of been fatal.

Cassandra and I attempted fox trotting...LOL...THAT was FUN. Lol. I was very
proud that Monique came. She did really well, except for being spun because
of her concussion. I took all of the girls, including my cousin Hilary.

It was absolutely wonderful.
I think Drew and I may be going to Prom together. I know we'll dance even IF
the moves are getting old, and the timing may not be right. But heck, at least it'll be fun. He is such a good guy, as are many of the guys now talking to me because I am posted as single.

This Spring Break started out way in the crapper, but I must say it has turned for the better. Thank the Lord.

I start Sunday school tomorrow, I am very excited.
God and I have been spending A LOT of time together, He's helping me through this hard time. I used to think that Kevin was brought for me, but right now that boy is showing his true colors.

I deserve someone who doesn't start something and get sick of it so easily.
Who knows, I may get my black man after all when I move to Everette this fall.

Which I COULDN'T BE MORE EXCITED FOR.

I am EXCITED

I realized today.
For you I changed:

My Dreams.
My clothing style.
My music.
My lingo.
My friends.
My hang out places.
My art.
My everything.

I am feeling pleased:
Because without you
I HAVE IT ALL BACK.

I got more than five hours
last night, and ate more than
one meal yesterday-
finally.

Grieving over you isn't
worth the amount of time
I've grieved over my grandpa.

Especially since:
You can't tell your mom "NO".
You are being confused by Satan.
You knowingly break the law on-
pirated CD's, and the lights in your car.

Last night, I had a dream.
Hopefully the last of you I'll
EVER HAVE!

It was our normal routine:
hang out
go to dinner,
but this menu was different.

This menu was life,
and I reached for something
and you physically pulled me back.

FROM ANYTHING I WANTED ON THE MENU.

But: this time I didn't listen.
We ended, as we have and I could
NEVER FEEL HAPPIER.
I actually woke up with a smile on my face.

You're right- I DO DESERVE BETTER.
YOU DID HURT ME AGAIN.

So, while our flame has possibly burned
out FOREVER I realize there are two
things that could happen.

One: I will be perfectly okay from this
very day, and never need you again.

or

Two: You could realize Satan is confusing you.
Then YOU COULD APOLOGIZE,

and

MAYBE I'll be there when you see you want me.

but

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE I WILL BE.

Welcome Back

Today,

I shopped for a Prom Dress.
Was happy ALL DAY without you.
Decided to LET GO of you.

Flirted with guys at YVCC.
Flirting with four other guys right now.
Maybe they'll treat me better than you do.

Realized, that I'll move this fall
AND FORGET ALL ABOUT YOU.

Noticed; my friends won't just choose you
THEY'LL STILL HANG OUT WITH ME.

Now we're apart I can:
-Check out other guys
-Smile at ANYONE
-Go swing dancing Friday
-Have a new picture (Without you!).

I also noticed:
-Only I was posting pictures of us.
-Only I bragged about us.
-Only I comitted to us.
-Only I... (Oh wait, that's all it is now.)

What ever.
Without you, I became myself again.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I CHANGED FOR YOU.

I decided:
-I will marry someone who has smarter reasoning.
-That can't wait to marry me.
-That DOESN'T CARE about the future.
-That ISN'T A GOD-POSER.

-THAT ISN'T YOU.

You're not the one

Apparently YOU don't want me.
I'm not worth anything to you.
Your family will always be first.
You will always show these true colors.
Which are BLACK, WHITE, AND GRAY.

I give up on you.
It's okay, you NEVER LOVED ME.
It was all OKAY until I STOOD UP TO YOU.

But that's what you get when you're stupid.
Momma's boy.

It's Hard

To see you smile at me,
as you're handing back the gift
I cherished and longed to give you
was almost an out of body experience.

The Bible says not to worry about the
future:

Ecclesiastes 7:14 (New International Version)
14 When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Please, take these into the account of your 180 flip. Because I care about you, about us, but not so much about the future anymore.

:*-(

I have to come home today.
Memories of you everywhere...
and mutual friends
that I'll probably lose because of you.

I don't know if that last blog you wrote
was to me. Kevin, I really miss you.
It's so hard not to talk to you.

I really don't like Tim- at all.

I fear that the girl you like is Kristy
from Creation.
I knew I'd lose you that summer.
It was all too good to be true.
I knew it.

I figure by now you are okay without me.
Apparently I was only dragging you down.
If you didn't know after a day or two that
you want me back- I assume you never will.

I have lost hope for the family and life you
promised me.

You were my "one and only",
my "always and forever".

:*-(

I don't think I can stand being home.

P.S

If you read this:

1.) I need my senior project presentation.

2.)

IF YOU ASKED ME TO STAY HOME INSTEAD OF MOVE, AND YOU'D LOVE ME FOREVER THEN, AND STICK TO YOUR PROMISE,


i would.

Another Day....

Yesterday I was fine.
I didn't have to think about you.
But today, I can't stop.

Dad took me out for a drive.
Our usual coffee,
and some nice distracting conversation.

I'm getting my hair cut today.
Dad told me in May he'd pay for me
to get my hair colored and nails done for
graduation.

Yesterday, I did something insanely
hard.

Put most everything that reminded me of you
In a box.
Took one last look at what had been "Our" life.
Cried as I wrote you a letter.
Some getting on the paper- I couldn't stop that.

I drove to your house.
Put it on your car, and drove away.

Yesterday I skipped school.
You've hurt me so badly.
My dad came and got me.

Maybe seperation is the best,
but that doesn't change my feelings for you.
I can't love someone forever who "loves ME"
on a "For now" basis.

I'll miss the youth group terribly.
I gave Joelle some ideas for it last weekend.
Helping out finally made me feel like a part
of that church family that I struggled so hard
in feeling " a part".

You took that away.

How could everything be GREAT
at Tolo?
Then Monday everything ISN'T?

You had to not love me for awhile now.
Been thinking about not loving me anymore.

Who are you to talk to Ander's about us?
Remember him, Danielle, and your brother and the
whole RAPE thing? Apparently not.
That and HE DOESN'T KNOW ME.

My friend Tim is back in touch with me.
Mom said I'd probably meet the man I'll marry in
this next year.

I liked him before.
Maybe it's him, because I guess it's not you.

Someday I'll bury your memory.
And by the time you figure out you want me,
I fear it'll be too late.

Singleness

I am single.
Heart Broken.
And single.

I have to give up everything.
Church, Friends, every SINGLE time.

It's always me.
I always get hurt.

I don't know if I can ever trust a guy again.
Or "sisters" that come into my life.

If you're not blood.
You're not worth it.

My Current Relationship

So, these past three days have been absolutely horrible to me.

Kevin and I have gotten into an issue which is our first, and possibly our last.
We are parting ways this fall, hopefully not relationship wise- but in distance.
I am moving to Everette in August for college, something I feel really called to do.

He hasn't asked that I stay, and not that I would- but I feel our plans didn't have to be
completely destroyed. We knew there would be a problem when the time came,
but these past few months we'd worked out a wonderful plan. He was going to go with me.
In return, hopefully we'd soon start a life together. He's always said he'd love me no matter
what. But that feeling I fear has depleted from his heart. We have had an amazing Two years
and three months together. I fear I'll lose him.

Our world together came crashing down Monday night. Apparently his thoughts have changed his mind. I don't even know where we are to go.
He isn't sure about the future anymore, and I thought we were doing great.
:-(.

I love him, but I realize that I can't love for the both of us.
To anyone who reads this, please just pray for us.
Yes, we are high school sweet hearts, but I just wish he'd remember what he asked God
before we were together.

I fear my pleas will only push him farther away, and I know I cannot help in his sorting process.
But in the meantime my heart aches for the man I love. One who has always been there for me.

Instead, I turn to constant prayer. Something I haven't done in a long time. He has to decide
for himself whether he wants me, and if he is willing to work on lasting.
I can't do that for him no matter how much I want to.

But no matter what, my heart will always be attached to our memories. I will always wish him the best.

-KKayL