~2010 Emotions to Close~

Wow, I frequently remember this place and wonder who remembers it.
This is where I write all of my feelings and allow my heart to be free.
I feel engulfed in the memories when I read my old posts.
But I am thankful that times have changed, and that I have grown.
The drama that my life used to entail is no more and most friendships: restored.
I feel love, joy, and peace yet again.
Change is no longer a feared life stranger.

A lot has changed even since August, I was upset at that moment.
I ask for your forgiveness to my dismembered way of response to that situation.
Not that I don't feel the same, but I could have said it better and more respectable.
I'm honest in stating that I wasn't trying to destroy anything lo, I just knew there was still respect left in the household.
Looking back, is no longer a daily occurrence.
But memories, rarely seem as harsh anymore.

I don't favor that fact that unbreakable barriers are between these two; friends and love. But mending ties only captures what we have worked so hard to forget. It's funny, how so many could share years of memories and could never be so far apart.

My daily struggle now consists of my call to ministry. It's kind of funny when you think about it. At the age of 14 I knew I was called to the church. But who really wants to be held to a higher standard, and serve a God that some don't believe real? This endeavor into a ministry type lifestyle, has led me to write. I've never been a very fluid writer, but I do find my queries align with some of the feelings the Biblical writers endeared.

The dream that God has given me, is not impossible. However, when I tell most what I hope to accomplish, I do engage in some disheartening conversations. I stand firm on the believe that if God led you to dream it, He will provide it. We just must have faith, that one day everything will be vindicated. I certainly do.

My daily devotions lack to be honest. However, I am still trying to find the balance between "Christianese" and those new to the faith, or non believers. I work at a church in Tulsa (all for free of course). The youth group is very small, mimicking the one in Terrace Heights. Though, it is more of the female gender than the previous.

I have been in the applicant process for an internship in California. Part of getting a degree in Theology requires outside experience. I hope to be accepted into the program. If it's in God's plan, I will not only live in California all summer, but have paid housing, plus work pay. That and I will work with youth hands on, and get to know California well. If that doesn't work out, I have two other internships already lined up and a fourth prospect to be added to the list. One can never be too covered.

Next December I hold high hopes for graduation from Oral Roberts University. Technically I was supposed to walk this June with a Bachelors in Anthropology from Washington State University. But, if God calls you somewhere then you must go. It's not all bad to walk away from a life that you love, because the blessings surpass that.

The next step of choice is not so certain. I really want to engage in a Masters Program for Non Profit Business. If I do not pursue Graduate School right away, I hope to move into my own apartment and substitute teach. I found out that with a Bachelors you can make $20 per hour or more. I have also considered the Peace Corp, as I cannot do any military service. I almost wish I had never taken the diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Not only are certain professions out of the question, but I feel the knowledge limits myself sometimes. My health isn't great anyways. It's not so much about the money as it is about being happy.

Since 2009 I have been on a life search for happiness and peace. I can say that most days I have embraced "Carpe Diem" to the fullest. Slowly moving to financial freedom, I have become mainly independent. I still obey house rules however I have begun to defer them lately. This is a sign that it is time for me to grow, and establish new relationships. Although, I believe this next phase will be the best in my life yet.

I've learned how to cook a plethora of foods, cultural, family and vegetarian. I recently purchased a VERY cheap vegan book that I could be more excited about. There is over 200 meals that you can make in a dorm room (microwave only) that are also VERY budget worthy. I find that diet is much more important than weight. Fun foods, make eating and experiencing better. Although, I am waiting on blood tests to see if I have developed a new food allergy.

At ORU I am currently in the running for Chaplaincy. Not only is it great for it's scholarships but I would get to be the 'Spiritual Guide' for the floor. I love leading ministry lectures. Speaking on ministry, I have some really exciting news. Last semester a group and I developed an outreach ministry, and we hope to launch it for real in the next year. It's all about networking and prayer. We couldn't be more excited.

More importantly, I have learned to be content with myself and my choices. I still love to do the things I used to. I still have those days where I like time to myself. But, my OCD isn't as bad anymore. I worked on it (with help). I like to go out now, but I don't need someone to go out with.

Music, is still a huge thing in my heart. I don't know where God is placing it in my future. However, I submitted some of my work (writing and vocals) and offered a record deal. The contract has been on the table for weeks, and is completely legitimate. I just don't know about the timing, or the commitment. But I am extremely pleasured that a label wants me. I have high hopes that it somehow connects to my future ministry. Waiting on the Lord is not so easy sometimes, but I have learned that it is the best.

Random friendships have occurred in Tulsa, and Yakima. I find that looking for friendship is worth much more to me than love. I have love for everyone now, and can even tell my family members 'I love you'. It is funny how I never could before. I still tend to be shy in new environments, but that doesn't last long.

At ORU I am known as 'Miss Yakima' and Anya. I love the girls on my floor. It's funny to me, that when I got a chance to start over, no one can believe that I was a shy introverted girl. But, I guess that is part of the morphing into a woman.

I thank God every day for bringing me through how, when, and the way He did. I work hard to sacrifice myself daily, and to remember the end goal. I thank God for those who love and support me, and pray for those who are angered or even hurt by me. While forgiveness is human weakness, it is one that I choose to not be prey to.

In closing, I wish love, joy and peace everlasting.
That fulfillment and satisfaction embraces your doors.
I pray safety, blessing and Jesus fill your life as He has mine.
Amen.

-KKayL

KW

You're not worth being upset over.
I never meant to harm your relationship with the Fosters.
Think all the evil things you want of me.

I know where I stand with God, and I will not stoop to your level of sneaking around,
cheating, and lying.

Personally, I was committed to you. In the whole. Hence why I TRUSTED YOU. I was a stupid teenager who has done a lot of growing up. Be upset. But it's time to grow up. I loved you once, never again.

I wanted to remain friends, but you're so fake it's hard to see who you really are.

Go ahead, and be pissed with me. But in the end, it's not me you're answering too. And that's the God honest truth. It's God you'll answer too.

I'm sad we had to end our friendship this way, with the "respect" you claim.
It's really best that we are not on speaking terms. Apparently you cannot let go of the past.

So goodbye once cherished memory now charred history.

It's for the better love.

Nothing can take away the permanency of the situation.
Moments passing, not breathing, thoughts racing.
Where to go, we cannot escape this manifestation.
The only option, is to deal with this placing.

A choice to make, a price to pay.
A second moment never comes.
Unfortunately this button is stuck on play.
This precious gift, here for many suns.

I cannot take away life, but I can give it.
Actually- a vessel to bring life.
Jesus is the official writ.
But even His walk did not come without strife.

Now I pray, struggle, wonder.
But I know I will win, because Jesus defeated the Under.

Wow.

I had forgotten about this place.
Buried it out of my mind, and my heart.

My life this past year, to say the least has been awesome.
I couldn't believe you wrote me today.
Your letter spurred the memory of this place.
But, you also gave me that peace, that I used to ask for.

It's funny to think that if you try hard enough, you really can forget things.
Numb feelings, flutters, and desires too. But, it works.

Today was pretty awesome.
I spent the whole day out with a friend.
He and I hadn't talked in years.
First, I got coffee at North Town.
Then he and I hit up art galleries
(apparently they have all closed).
Then we hit up INKLINGS, searching through books.
Apparently we have that in common.
He got shaved ice, what a crazy kid.
Known every where. Makes friends everywhere.

Not that I am shy anymore, because that isn't the case.
We ended up driving to Ellensburg.
If that wasn't strange enough, we stopped at a random campsite.
And then we decided to walk from one site to the next.
It was freaking spontaneous and totally enjoyable.
Then we drove back to Yakima and did a few errands.
Finally, we saw the movie 'Killers'. HILARIOUS.

Things have finally gotten to where I can be happy again.
I was really hurt over that accusation of the movie charge.
Last year, when you yelled at me over the 20.00,
was seriously the last time I had used that account.
After that fight, I went and made my own.

As for other things that happened between us,
I have forgotten all wrongs.
Memories, good and bad, aren't really a part of me anymore.

I had to learn to not love you.
I had to learn not to miss you.
I had to learn to stand on my own.

I know, that you don't expect forgiveness.
But, please know, that I can't hold anything against you.
Everyone, including myself believes that we were brought together.
I don't know for how long we were supposed to be.
It was good while it lasted.

This August, I am moving to Tulsa Oklahoma.
I'm not saying your letter today was you missing me,
or anything besides what you said.
But, now it's too late. I am leaving.

A part of me wishes that you wanted more.
A part of me knows that I would consider us.

But, most of me knows that, we are dead.
Anything other than the unconquerable silence,
would have to be a "see it, to believe it".
Although, I am not counting on anything.
Not hoping, dreaming, or anxious for anything.

I know now, that yes, once we were.
But, for the better, for the both of us, we are not.
I can no longer dream that one day we will be reconciled.
I have no faith on the position anymore.

Mostly, I will not be weak anymore.
My heart, and my head say two different things.

I know you don't love me anymore, and it has taken me over a year to realize it.
It has taken me a year to find who I am, and to be okay with that.
But, because of this life experience,

I am confident.
I am strong.
I am loving.
I am independent.

I am no longer,

Depressed.
Dependent.
Needy.

But, thank you for making peace with me. It means the world.
I hope that in time, we can be friends.
I don't know if it will happen.
But, I now know and feel a lot of peace that has been missing.

Thanks for one last smile.

I've worked so hard,
to let you go.
And I have.

But, thank you for the time we had.
And for what you did today.
You'll always be my high school sweet heart,
Probably nothing more, but our history is no longer great.

God has done a great work in me.

I am back at the Church of God.
I am back in the choir.
God spoke to me, and I am going into youth ministry.

I have dated a few people since you.
I have grown up a lot.
I have learned to appreciate.
I have learned to fight my own battles.

I wish you knew "me".
I am not who I was.

This blog, wasn't even supposed to be to you.
But apparently there's a reason for it.
Oh well, I hope you hear me out,
on this,
one day.

-Kels

Written quote March 29 '09: "and mutual friends I'll probably lose because of you"

Regardless of current events, I have been asked to write my feelings towards this life in a journal. So I guess I'll start.

Until Father's Day, I thought I was alright. Strong even. Now? My emotions are all confused. I feel like the man I knew was a lie, or that now he is lost. Pastor called me today, said you "have a long way to go" and (we)"need to work together on this" and that it's going to take time. What is there in that "we" that I don't know, why was that said, does it really mean anything? Or was it just a bad way to say it?

There are so many questions that make what had been our relationship clearly defined- that are now foggy.

It's funny how our "break" never actually had a resolution. Actually, you just got another girlfriend instead. I guess I knew that "we" were over, but that the "break" you insisted upon, was a nice way to permanently end us.

Sometimes, well all the time- I am deeply regretful of how I handled that day. I should never have suggested the break, in all acutality all I wanted was for you to come after me. Show true love and follow the one you love, it was just a test. A stupid test. But, hurtfully and regretfully it showed that you were in fact not going to follow me. I just wanted the one that I had put all of my heart into to follow me, to prove I was worth it. Well, I guess that I cannot live on regrets forever.

After that comment from Pastor my emotions have been all tangled. I want the air clear. I cannot lie, these thoughts are I fear an unrealistic hope that you want me back. That you would forgive me for my anger, and the testing of our relationship. Or is there air to clear because I do not know what really bothered you? Are you deeply mad at me for something to which I have no knowledge of? Did I offend you because of our last skirmish over Tolo? Are you holding a grudge towards me for things you purchased for me or that I convinced you to get a new car, or that I wanted to start a life away from home a few hours away? Even worse, do you just want nothing to do with me?

If these questions could be answered I know that I would feel relief. I'd rather just know if you hated me, just can't deal with conflict, or want me back. I never have liked musical chairs, I don't like switching seats- I want my old one back. But I realize that now, it probably isn't possible.

There are many things I wish I could change. I know that I can't do that, but please at least allow me to seal up this gaping my hole in my heart. Because I am tired of hurting. Let me know how it is, please.

I haven't nearly slept enough this past week. Pastor knows this, and eventually I won't be able to take the physical toll anymore. I'm hoping my emotional bottle is almost full because I am about to crash.

Many things have made me grow from this, no matter the toll that has derived from this situation. I learned to step out on my own. I can drive myself in many stressful situations, stand up for myself and my beliefs with anyone. I got that ever wanted tattoo, and am talking to the doctor about something called a Beta Blocker- for my stress and I can finally talk about my feelings openly with someone who can help.

Even now my mind would like to think that these changes would've occured while being with you. But honestly, I don't think they would of. Maybe you were brought and taken away for me to learn this lesson from life. But I hope, that if our love was true that we'll be together again one day.

Well, I think this sums it all up. :-*(

"Defending the Truth" (The Athletes Bible).

"You therefore, my child, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. And what you have heard from Me in the presence of many witnesses, commit to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. Share in the suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. To please the recruiter, no one serving as a soldier gets entangled in the concerns of everyday life. Also, if anyone competes as an athlete, he is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. It is the hardworking farmer who ought to be the first to get a share of the crops. Consider what I say for the Lord will give you understanding in everything. Keep in mind Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, descended from David, according to My gospel. For this I suffer, to the point of being bound like a criminal; but God's message is not bound. This is why I endure all things for the elect: so that they may obtain salvation, which is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory. This saying is trust worthy:


For if we have died with Him, we will also live with Him; if we endure, we will also reign with Him; if we deny Him, He will also deny us; If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself".

Second Timothy 2:1-13

The person speaking here is Paul to his friend Timothy. From this passage I believe it is important to ask yourself three valid questions, that apply to us still today (for those of you who believe the bible is outdated).

1. Are there times you feel led by God to confront others about their morals, current situation, or lack of believe in God or obedience to Him? Do you obey God, or it is too hard to do the right thing?

and

2. How do you defend Christ?