I had forgotten about this place.
Buried it out of my mind, and my heart.
My life this past year, to say the least has been awesome.
I couldn't believe you wrote me today.
Your letter spurred the memory of this place.
But, you also gave me that peace, that I used to ask for.
It's funny to think that if you try hard enough, you really can forget things.
Numb feelings, flutters, and desires too. But, it works.
Today was pretty awesome.
I spent the whole day out with a friend.
He and I hadn't talked in years.
First, I got coffee at North Town.
Then he and I hit up art galleries
(apparently they have all closed).
Then we hit up INKLINGS, searching through books.
Apparently we have that in common.
He got shaved ice, what a crazy kid.
Known every where. Makes friends everywhere.
Not that I am shy anymore, because that isn't the case.
We ended up driving to Ellensburg.
If that wasn't strange enough, we stopped at a random campsite.
And then we decided to walk from one site to the next.
It was freaking spontaneous and totally enjoyable.
Then we drove back to Yakima and did a few errands.
Finally, we saw the movie 'Killers'. HILARIOUS.
Things have finally gotten to where I can be happy again.
I was really hurt over that accusation of the movie charge.
Last year, when you yelled at me over the 20.00,
was seriously the last time I had used that account.
After that fight, I went and made my own.
As for other things that happened between us,
I have forgotten all wrongs.
Memories, good and bad, aren't really a part of me anymore.
I had to learn to not love you.
I had to learn not to miss you.
I had to learn to stand on my own.
I know, that you don't expect forgiveness.
But, please know, that I can't hold anything against you.
Everyone, including myself believes that we were brought together.
I don't know for how long we were supposed to be.
It was good while it lasted.
This August, I am moving to Tulsa Oklahoma.
I'm not saying your letter today was you missing me,
or anything besides what you said.
But, now it's too late. I am leaving.
A part of me wishes that you wanted more.
A part of me knows that I would consider us.
But, most of me knows that, we are dead.
Anything other than the unconquerable silence,
would have to be a "see it, to believe it".
Although, I am not counting on anything.
Not hoping, dreaming, or anxious for anything.
I know now, that yes, once we were.
But, for the better, for the both of us, we are not.
I can no longer dream that one day we will be reconciled.
I have no faith on the position anymore.
Mostly, I will not be weak anymore.
My heart, and my head say two different things.
I know you don't love me anymore, and it has taken me over a year to realize it.
It has taken me a year to find who I am, and to be okay with that.
But, because of this life experience,
I am confident.
I am strong.
I am loving.
I am independent.
I am no longer,
Depressed.
Dependent.
Needy.
But, thank you for making peace with me. It means the world.
I hope that in time, we can be friends.
I don't know if it will happen.
But, I now know and feel a lot of peace that has been missing.
Thanks for one last smile.
I've worked so hard,
to let you go.
And I have.
But, thank you for the time we had.
And for what you did today.
You'll always be my high school sweet heart,
Probably nothing more, but our history is no longer great.
God has done a great work in me.
I am back at the Church of God.
I am back in the choir.
God spoke to me, and I am going into youth ministry.
I have dated a few people since you.
I have grown up a lot.
I have learned to appreciate.
I have learned to fight my own battles.
I wish you knew "me".
I am not who I was.
This blog, wasn't even supposed to be to you.
But apparently there's a reason for it.
Oh well, I hope you hear me out,
on this,
one day.
-Kels
