It's Hard

To see you smile at me,
as you're handing back the gift
I cherished and longed to give you
was almost an out of body experience.

The Bible says not to worry about the
future:

Ecclesiastes 7:14 (New International Version)
14 When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Please, take these into the account of your 180 flip. Because I care about you, about us, but not so much about the future anymore.

:*-(

I have to come home today.
Memories of you everywhere...
and mutual friends
that I'll probably lose because of you.

I don't know if that last blog you wrote
was to me. Kevin, I really miss you.
It's so hard not to talk to you.

I really don't like Tim- at all.

I fear that the girl you like is Kristy
from Creation.
I knew I'd lose you that summer.
It was all too good to be true.
I knew it.

I figure by now you are okay without me.
Apparently I was only dragging you down.
If you didn't know after a day or two that
you want me back- I assume you never will.

I have lost hope for the family and life you
promised me.

You were my "one and only",
my "always and forever".

:*-(

I don't think I can stand being home.

P.S

If you read this:

1.) I need my senior project presentation.

2.)

IF YOU ASKED ME TO STAY HOME INSTEAD OF MOVE, AND YOU'D LOVE ME FOREVER THEN, AND STICK TO YOUR PROMISE,


i would.

Another Day....

Yesterday I was fine.
I didn't have to think about you.
But today, I can't stop.

Dad took me out for a drive.
Our usual coffee,
and some nice distracting conversation.

I'm getting my hair cut today.
Dad told me in May he'd pay for me
to get my hair colored and nails done for
graduation.

Yesterday, I did something insanely
hard.

Put most everything that reminded me of you
In a box.
Took one last look at what had been "Our" life.
Cried as I wrote you a letter.
Some getting on the paper- I couldn't stop that.

I drove to your house.
Put it on your car, and drove away.

Yesterday I skipped school.
You've hurt me so badly.
My dad came and got me.

Maybe seperation is the best,
but that doesn't change my feelings for you.
I can't love someone forever who "loves ME"
on a "For now" basis.

I'll miss the youth group terribly.
I gave Joelle some ideas for it last weekend.
Helping out finally made me feel like a part
of that church family that I struggled so hard
in feeling " a part".

You took that away.

How could everything be GREAT
at Tolo?
Then Monday everything ISN'T?

You had to not love me for awhile now.
Been thinking about not loving me anymore.

Who are you to talk to Ander's about us?
Remember him, Danielle, and your brother and the
whole RAPE thing? Apparently not.
That and HE DOESN'T KNOW ME.

My friend Tim is back in touch with me.
Mom said I'd probably meet the man I'll marry in
this next year.

I liked him before.
Maybe it's him, because I guess it's not you.

Someday I'll bury your memory.
And by the time you figure out you want me,
I fear it'll be too late.

Singleness

I am single.
Heart Broken.
And single.

I have to give up everything.
Church, Friends, every SINGLE time.

It's always me.
I always get hurt.

I don't know if I can ever trust a guy again.
Or "sisters" that come into my life.

If you're not blood.
You're not worth it.

My Current Relationship

So, these past three days have been absolutely horrible to me.

Kevin and I have gotten into an issue which is our first, and possibly our last.
We are parting ways this fall, hopefully not relationship wise- but in distance.
I am moving to Everette in August for college, something I feel really called to do.

He hasn't asked that I stay, and not that I would- but I feel our plans didn't have to be
completely destroyed. We knew there would be a problem when the time came,
but these past few months we'd worked out a wonderful plan. He was going to go with me.
In return, hopefully we'd soon start a life together. He's always said he'd love me no matter
what. But that feeling I fear has depleted from his heart. We have had an amazing Two years
and three months together. I fear I'll lose him.

Our world together came crashing down Monday night. Apparently his thoughts have changed his mind. I don't even know where we are to go.
He isn't sure about the future anymore, and I thought we were doing great.
:-(.

I love him, but I realize that I can't love for the both of us.
To anyone who reads this, please just pray for us.
Yes, we are high school sweet hearts, but I just wish he'd remember what he asked God
before we were together.

I fear my pleas will only push him farther away, and I know I cannot help in his sorting process.
But in the meantime my heart aches for the man I love. One who has always been there for me.

Instead, I turn to constant prayer. Something I haven't done in a long time. He has to decide
for himself whether he wants me, and if he is willing to work on lasting.
I can't do that for him no matter how much I want to.

But no matter what, my heart will always be attached to our memories. I will always wish him the best.

-KKayL