Love is Patient, Love is Kind

Things have been okay, better but not perfect.
Still lonely on Friday nights.

I can't wait to get out of here.
On the bright side, I passed my Senior Project.

One step closer to leaving, and not looking back.

I've lost so much yet gained my life.

Wow, God is truly amazing.
I never thought I would be one of those people who would take control of their life and leave God out of the mix. But you know what? I did.

I had been planning my life without His input.
My plans included : my current boyfriend at the time, and to move to Everette.
Well, tonight those plans did a 180 on me, and I'm left somewhat numb.

God has shown me recently that I need to go into law.
Crazy as it sounds, He practically shoved it in my face through a few people.
But never...EVER did I think that choosing to pursue that would take the ONE THING I thought I had left from the life that I WANTED.

First, I lose my amazing guy.
Now, I lose my amazing school.


All to find my purpose in life, and man was this the strangest journey I've ever felt.
This scares me so badly.
I've just lost the two greatest things in my life.

I know the direction I'm supposed to head, but now everything is disbanded and there is no support for me to get anywhere. It's all wrong.

Tomorrow I have a phone call with the Dean at Trinity, if that doesn't work for me then I will not be moving this fall. Then what? I don't know.

God Loves Me

So, I've been in and out of the hospital twice now.
I go back to school tomorrow, something I haven't been to in over a week now.
Honestly I really can't wait to get 100% better. I'm tired of coughing and being easily exhausted. I'm sure this can be attributed to the internal tear.
Not that the most important person in my life even cared to see if I was okay after two and a half years.

I decided to clean my room last night.
Which I'd like to say was a bad idea, but in actuality it brought on something amazing that I've only told one person about.

As I was cleaning I kept running into things from my and Kevin's relationship.
Stupid little things like our photo booth pictures from Valentines Day, notes we had written in geography, and tons and tons of dance pictures.

It got me a little down. I recalled how he promised me the world, that he would never leave me, never break us off as he has, always be there, and would always love me. I came to the sad realization that those are all now empty promises.

My mood kept depleting, but instead of sticking to myself in the dreary mess of a room I created, I decided that I would confide to someone these thoughts of abandonment and hurt. I was no longer going to silently grieve, and be full of regret over a situation I cannot control.

After the conversation I ran into my bible. So I began to read in a book I have never paid attention to. It's Habbakuk, my new favorite book.
What reaklly stood out to me was Hab 2:2-3 which states something like "and the Lord replied to me" write the vision, clearly on tablets "that he may run who reads it".
I don't know how or why, but this just applied itself to my heart. So I wrote it on my arm in permanent marker. I continued to clean, feeling somewhat better and stumbled upon "The Purpose Driven Life", and decided to actually read it for what it's worth this time. The first day in the book is clearly a message of hope to me. Again my mood improved. Then I picked up my Jesus Freak Promises book and read some on Rejection and Love, and I just felt God with me last night. This has all affected me in just one night. My heart is happier, because I encountered God again last night. Something I think I may have been missing.

While I am completely excited over what went on, I still feel heart broken. I know all wounds take time to heal. I can't help but hope that he and I will get back together, and will be able to tell other's going through break ups this story someday.

Even if that never happens, I'm still thankful for the time I had I guess.

Eh.

You started so many things you didn't finish.
"End of story".

I love Swing Dancing

Never have I had so much fun swing dancing.
I learned four new swing dance moves, and two new waltz moves.
Last night was absolutely wonderful, I danced with so many people.

I talked to a lot of people, and had myself a jolly old time.
There is still so much adrenaline in me from dancing.
I can't express how much fun I had.
Fabio and I went insanely crazy on Sing Sing Sing...My FAVORITE song.
Drew and I learned the new moves together, and we did my favorite move.
The Russian Leg Kick, in which he got my SO high off the ground, that I
was actually able to go into the full splits into the air.
He and I also did the Side Leg Kick a few times, but at one point he
missed my waist, and I landed on the floor. I haven't been dropped in
FOREVER, but this time all I could do was LAUGH. I had grabbed onto his
collar...It could of been fatal.

Cassandra and I attempted fox trotting...LOL...THAT was FUN. Lol. I was very
proud that Monique came. She did really well, except for being spun because
of her concussion. I took all of the girls, including my cousin Hilary.

It was absolutely wonderful.
I think Drew and I may be going to Prom together. I know we'll dance even IF
the moves are getting old, and the timing may not be right. But heck, at least it'll be fun. He is such a good guy, as are many of the guys now talking to me because I am posted as single.

This Spring Break started out way in the crapper, but I must say it has turned for the better. Thank the Lord.

I start Sunday school tomorrow, I am very excited.
God and I have been spending A LOT of time together, He's helping me through this hard time. I used to think that Kevin was brought for me, but right now that boy is showing his true colors.

I deserve someone who doesn't start something and get sick of it so easily.
Who knows, I may get my black man after all when I move to Everette this fall.

Which I COULDN'T BE MORE EXCITED FOR.

I am EXCITED

I realized today.
For you I changed:

My Dreams.
My clothing style.
My music.
My lingo.
My friends.
My hang out places.
My art.
My everything.

I am feeling pleased:
Because without you
I HAVE IT ALL BACK.

I got more than five hours
last night, and ate more than
one meal yesterday-
finally.

Grieving over you isn't
worth the amount of time
I've grieved over my grandpa.

Especially since:
You can't tell your mom "NO".
You are being confused by Satan.
You knowingly break the law on-
pirated CD's, and the lights in your car.

Last night, I had a dream.
Hopefully the last of you I'll
EVER HAVE!

It was our normal routine:
hang out
go to dinner,
but this menu was different.

This menu was life,
and I reached for something
and you physically pulled me back.

FROM ANYTHING I WANTED ON THE MENU.

But: this time I didn't listen.
We ended, as we have and I could
NEVER FEEL HAPPIER.
I actually woke up with a smile on my face.

You're right- I DO DESERVE BETTER.
YOU DID HURT ME AGAIN.

So, while our flame has possibly burned
out FOREVER I realize there are two
things that could happen.

One: I will be perfectly okay from this
very day, and never need you again.

or

Two: You could realize Satan is confusing you.
Then YOU COULD APOLOGIZE,

and

MAYBE I'll be there when you see you want me.

but

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE I WILL BE.

Welcome Back

Today,

I shopped for a Prom Dress.
Was happy ALL DAY without you.
Decided to LET GO of you.

Flirted with guys at YVCC.
Flirting with four other guys right now.
Maybe they'll treat me better than you do.

Realized, that I'll move this fall
AND FORGET ALL ABOUT YOU.

Noticed; my friends won't just choose you
THEY'LL STILL HANG OUT WITH ME.

Now we're apart I can:
-Check out other guys
-Smile at ANYONE
-Go swing dancing Friday
-Have a new picture (Without you!).

I also noticed:
-Only I was posting pictures of us.
-Only I bragged about us.
-Only I comitted to us.
-Only I... (Oh wait, that's all it is now.)

What ever.
Without you, I became myself again.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I CHANGED FOR YOU.

I decided:
-I will marry someone who has smarter reasoning.
-That can't wait to marry me.
-That DOESN'T CARE about the future.
-That ISN'T A GOD-POSER.

-THAT ISN'T YOU.

You're not the one

Apparently YOU don't want me.
I'm not worth anything to you.
Your family will always be first.
You will always show these true colors.
Which are BLACK, WHITE, AND GRAY.

I give up on you.
It's okay, you NEVER LOVED ME.
It was all OKAY until I STOOD UP TO YOU.

But that's what you get when you're stupid.
Momma's boy.