Regardless of current events, I have been asked to write my feelings towards this life in a journal. So I guess I'll start.
Until Father's Day, I thought I was alright. Strong even. Now? My emotions are all confused. I feel like the man I knew was a lie, or that now he is lost. Pastor called me today, said you "have a long way to go" and (we)"need to work together on this" and that it's going to take time. What is there in that "we" that I don't know, why was that said, does it really mean anything? Or was it just a bad way to say it?
There are so many questions that make what had been our relationship clearly defined- that are now foggy.
It's funny how our "break" never actually had a resolution. Actually, you just got another girlfriend instead. I guess I knew that "we" were over, but that the "break" you insisted upon, was a nice way to permanently end us.
Sometimes, well all the time- I am deeply regretful of how I handled that day. I should never have suggested the break, in all acutality all I wanted was for you to come after me. Show true love and follow the one you love, it was just a test. A stupid test. But, hurtfully and regretfully it showed that you were in fact not going to follow me. I just wanted the one that I had put all of my heart into to follow me, to prove I was worth it. Well, I guess that I cannot live on regrets forever.
After that comment from Pastor my emotions have been all tangled. I want the air clear. I cannot lie, these thoughts are I fear an unrealistic hope that you want me back. That you would forgive me for my anger, and the testing of our relationship. Or is there air to clear because I do not know what really bothered you? Are you deeply mad at me for something to which I have no knowledge of? Did I offend you because of our last skirmish over Tolo? Are you holding a grudge towards me for things you purchased for me or that I convinced you to get a new car, or that I wanted to start a life away from home a few hours away? Even worse, do you just want nothing to do with me?
If these questions could be answered I know that I would feel relief. I'd rather just know if you hated me, just can't deal with conflict, or want me back. I never have liked musical chairs, I don't like switching seats- I want my old one back. But I realize that now, it probably isn't possible.
There are many things I wish I could change. I know that I can't do that, but please at least allow me to seal up this gaping my hole in my heart. Because I am tired of hurting. Let me know how it is, please.
I haven't nearly slept enough this past week. Pastor knows this, and eventually I won't be able to take the physical toll anymore. I'm hoping my emotional bottle is almost full because I am about to crash.
Many things have made me grow from this, no matter the toll that has derived from this situation. I learned to step out on my own. I can drive myself in many stressful situations, stand up for myself and my beliefs with anyone. I got that ever wanted tattoo, and am talking to the doctor about something called a Beta Blocker- for my stress and I can finally talk about my feelings openly with someone who can help.
Even now my mind would like to think that these changes would've occured while being with you. But honestly, I don't think they would of. Maybe you were brought and taken away for me to learn this lesson from life. But I hope, that if our love was true that we'll be together again one day.
Well, I think this sums it all up. :-*(
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment