Wow.

I had forgotten about this place.
Buried it out of my mind, and my heart.

My life this past year, to say the least has been awesome.
I couldn't believe you wrote me today.
Your letter spurred the memory of this place.
But, you also gave me that peace, that I used to ask for.

It's funny to think that if you try hard enough, you really can forget things.
Numb feelings, flutters, and desires too. But, it works.

Today was pretty awesome.
I spent the whole day out with a friend.
He and I hadn't talked in years.
First, I got coffee at North Town.
Then he and I hit up art galleries
(apparently they have all closed).
Then we hit up INKLINGS, searching through books.
Apparently we have that in common.
He got shaved ice, what a crazy kid.
Known every where. Makes friends everywhere.

Not that I am shy anymore, because that isn't the case.
We ended up driving to Ellensburg.
If that wasn't strange enough, we stopped at a random campsite.
And then we decided to walk from one site to the next.
It was freaking spontaneous and totally enjoyable.
Then we drove back to Yakima and did a few errands.
Finally, we saw the movie 'Killers'. HILARIOUS.

Things have finally gotten to where I can be happy again.
I was really hurt over that accusation of the movie charge.
Last year, when you yelled at me over the 20.00,
was seriously the last time I had used that account.
After that fight, I went and made my own.

As for other things that happened between us,
I have forgotten all wrongs.
Memories, good and bad, aren't really a part of me anymore.

I had to learn to not love you.
I had to learn not to miss you.
I had to learn to stand on my own.

I know, that you don't expect forgiveness.
But, please know, that I can't hold anything against you.
Everyone, including myself believes that we were brought together.
I don't know for how long we were supposed to be.
It was good while it lasted.

This August, I am moving to Tulsa Oklahoma.
I'm not saying your letter today was you missing me,
or anything besides what you said.
But, now it's too late. I am leaving.

A part of me wishes that you wanted more.
A part of me knows that I would consider us.

But, most of me knows that, we are dead.
Anything other than the unconquerable silence,
would have to be a "see it, to believe it".
Although, I am not counting on anything.
Not hoping, dreaming, or anxious for anything.

I know now, that yes, once we were.
But, for the better, for the both of us, we are not.
I can no longer dream that one day we will be reconciled.
I have no faith on the position anymore.

Mostly, I will not be weak anymore.
My heart, and my head say two different things.

I know you don't love me anymore, and it has taken me over a year to realize it.
It has taken me a year to find who I am, and to be okay with that.
But, because of this life experience,

I am confident.
I am strong.
I am loving.
I am independent.

I am no longer,

Depressed.
Dependent.
Needy.

But, thank you for making peace with me. It means the world.
I hope that in time, we can be friends.
I don't know if it will happen.
But, I now know and feel a lot of peace that has been missing.

Thanks for one last smile.

I've worked so hard,
to let you go.
And I have.

But, thank you for the time we had.
And for what you did today.
You'll always be my high school sweet heart,
Probably nothing more, but our history is no longer great.

God has done a great work in me.

I am back at the Church of God.
I am back in the choir.
God spoke to me, and I am going into youth ministry.

I have dated a few people since you.
I have grown up a lot.
I have learned to appreciate.
I have learned to fight my own battles.

I wish you knew "me".
I am not who I was.

This blog, wasn't even supposed to be to you.
But apparently there's a reason for it.
Oh well, I hope you hear me out,
on this,
one day.

-Kels

Written quote March 29 '09: "and mutual friends I'll probably lose because of you"

Regardless of current events, I have been asked to write my feelings towards this life in a journal. So I guess I'll start.

Until Father's Day, I thought I was alright. Strong even. Now? My emotions are all confused. I feel like the man I knew was a lie, or that now he is lost. Pastor called me today, said you "have a long way to go" and (we)"need to work together on this" and that it's going to take time. What is there in that "we" that I don't know, why was that said, does it really mean anything? Or was it just a bad way to say it?

There are so many questions that make what had been our relationship clearly defined- that are now foggy.

It's funny how our "break" never actually had a resolution. Actually, you just got another girlfriend instead. I guess I knew that "we" were over, but that the "break" you insisted upon, was a nice way to permanently end us.

Sometimes, well all the time- I am deeply regretful of how I handled that day. I should never have suggested the break, in all acutality all I wanted was for you to come after me. Show true love and follow the one you love, it was just a test. A stupid test. But, hurtfully and regretfully it showed that you were in fact not going to follow me. I just wanted the one that I had put all of my heart into to follow me, to prove I was worth it. Well, I guess that I cannot live on regrets forever.

After that comment from Pastor my emotions have been all tangled. I want the air clear. I cannot lie, these thoughts are I fear an unrealistic hope that you want me back. That you would forgive me for my anger, and the testing of our relationship. Or is there air to clear because I do not know what really bothered you? Are you deeply mad at me for something to which I have no knowledge of? Did I offend you because of our last skirmish over Tolo? Are you holding a grudge towards me for things you purchased for me or that I convinced you to get a new car, or that I wanted to start a life away from home a few hours away? Even worse, do you just want nothing to do with me?

If these questions could be answered I know that I would feel relief. I'd rather just know if you hated me, just can't deal with conflict, or want me back. I never have liked musical chairs, I don't like switching seats- I want my old one back. But I realize that now, it probably isn't possible.

There are many things I wish I could change. I know that I can't do that, but please at least allow me to seal up this gaping my hole in my heart. Because I am tired of hurting. Let me know how it is, please.

I haven't nearly slept enough this past week. Pastor knows this, and eventually I won't be able to take the physical toll anymore. I'm hoping my emotional bottle is almost full because I am about to crash.

Many things have made me grow from this, no matter the toll that has derived from this situation. I learned to step out on my own. I can drive myself in many stressful situations, stand up for myself and my beliefs with anyone. I got that ever wanted tattoo, and am talking to the doctor about something called a Beta Blocker- for my stress and I can finally talk about my feelings openly with someone who can help.

Even now my mind would like to think that these changes would've occured while being with you. But honestly, I don't think they would of. Maybe you were brought and taken away for me to learn this lesson from life. But I hope, that if our love was true that we'll be together again one day.

Well, I think this sums it all up. :-*(

"Defending the Truth" (The Athletes Bible).

"You therefore, my child, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. And what you have heard from Me in the presence of many witnesses, commit to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. Share in the suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. To please the recruiter, no one serving as a soldier gets entangled in the concerns of everyday life. Also, if anyone competes as an athlete, he is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. It is the hardworking farmer who ought to be the first to get a share of the crops. Consider what I say for the Lord will give you understanding in everything. Keep in mind Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, descended from David, according to My gospel. For this I suffer, to the point of being bound like a criminal; but God's message is not bound. This is why I endure all things for the elect: so that they may obtain salvation, which is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory. This saying is trust worthy:


For if we have died with Him, we will also live with Him; if we endure, we will also reign with Him; if we deny Him, He will also deny us; If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself".

Second Timothy 2:1-13

The person speaking here is Paul to his friend Timothy. From this passage I believe it is important to ask yourself three valid questions, that apply to us still today (for those of you who believe the bible is outdated).

1. Are there times you feel led by God to confront others about their morals, current situation, or lack of believe in God or obedience to Him? Do you obey God, or it is too hard to do the right thing?

and

2. How do you defend Christ?

Love is Patient, Love is Kind

Things have been okay, better but not perfect.
Still lonely on Friday nights.

I can't wait to get out of here.
On the bright side, I passed my Senior Project.

One step closer to leaving, and not looking back.

I've lost so much yet gained my life.

Wow, God is truly amazing.
I never thought I would be one of those people who would take control of their life and leave God out of the mix. But you know what? I did.

I had been planning my life without His input.
My plans included : my current boyfriend at the time, and to move to Everette.
Well, tonight those plans did a 180 on me, and I'm left somewhat numb.

God has shown me recently that I need to go into law.
Crazy as it sounds, He practically shoved it in my face through a few people.
But never...EVER did I think that choosing to pursue that would take the ONE THING I thought I had left from the life that I WANTED.

First, I lose my amazing guy.
Now, I lose my amazing school.


All to find my purpose in life, and man was this the strangest journey I've ever felt.
This scares me so badly.
I've just lost the two greatest things in my life.

I know the direction I'm supposed to head, but now everything is disbanded and there is no support for me to get anywhere. It's all wrong.

Tomorrow I have a phone call with the Dean at Trinity, if that doesn't work for me then I will not be moving this fall. Then what? I don't know.

God Loves Me

So, I've been in and out of the hospital twice now.
I go back to school tomorrow, something I haven't been to in over a week now.
Honestly I really can't wait to get 100% better. I'm tired of coughing and being easily exhausted. I'm sure this can be attributed to the internal tear.
Not that the most important person in my life even cared to see if I was okay after two and a half years.

I decided to clean my room last night.
Which I'd like to say was a bad idea, but in actuality it brought on something amazing that I've only told one person about.

As I was cleaning I kept running into things from my and Kevin's relationship.
Stupid little things like our photo booth pictures from Valentines Day, notes we had written in geography, and tons and tons of dance pictures.

It got me a little down. I recalled how he promised me the world, that he would never leave me, never break us off as he has, always be there, and would always love me. I came to the sad realization that those are all now empty promises.

My mood kept depleting, but instead of sticking to myself in the dreary mess of a room I created, I decided that I would confide to someone these thoughts of abandonment and hurt. I was no longer going to silently grieve, and be full of regret over a situation I cannot control.

After the conversation I ran into my bible. So I began to read in a book I have never paid attention to. It's Habbakuk, my new favorite book.
What reaklly stood out to me was Hab 2:2-3 which states something like "and the Lord replied to me" write the vision, clearly on tablets "that he may run who reads it".
I don't know how or why, but this just applied itself to my heart. So I wrote it on my arm in permanent marker. I continued to clean, feeling somewhat better and stumbled upon "The Purpose Driven Life", and decided to actually read it for what it's worth this time. The first day in the book is clearly a message of hope to me. Again my mood improved. Then I picked up my Jesus Freak Promises book and read some on Rejection and Love, and I just felt God with me last night. This has all affected me in just one night. My heart is happier, because I encountered God again last night. Something I think I may have been missing.

While I am completely excited over what went on, I still feel heart broken. I know all wounds take time to heal. I can't help but hope that he and I will get back together, and will be able to tell other's going through break ups this story someday.

Even if that never happens, I'm still thankful for the time I had I guess.

Eh.

You started so many things you didn't finish.
"End of story".